“You’re getting pretty moist down there…”
YUCK.
I personally don’t like to feel like I’m being told the weather report when I’m having sex or fooling around. When guys use this word to describe my arousal, it almost instantly changes my mood. I start thinking of synonyms for moist—soggy, humid, damp—and wonder how guys even began using a word that sounds so adverse.
This got me thinking of other words that really make me raise an eyebrow, if not raise my pants back up. I narrowed it down to five verbs, coincidentally all starting with the letter ‘s’, that I have personally heard and been horrified (and amused) by.
SHOVE: (v) to push roughly.
“I love when you let me shove it in you.”
Shoving is what punk rockers do in a mosh pit. You shove a puzzle piece in when you can’t find the correct one. You don’t shove your penis in things, guys! It makes it sound like such a difficult task. Just use the f-word like everyone else!
SMUSH: (v) to crush or smash.
“Yeah, she and I used to smush back in highschool.”
Wait, what?
When a guy friend of mine said this to me, I had to stop him midsentence and ask if he actually just used the word “smush” in place of “date” or “have sex with”. He continued talking about his ex but my mind zoned him out as I pictured two rolls of baking dough being smashed together to create a larger ball of dough and, well, in hopes of continuing to enjoy baked goods, the word was added to my taboo list.
SMEAR: (v) to coat or mark (something) messily or carelessly with a greasy or sticky substance.
“Can I smear it on your face when I finish?”
This word was said during “dirty talk”, which you’d think would make it somewhat acceptable, but it rubbed (smeared?) me the wrong way. Babies smear things on their face because they don’t know better. On the contrary, artists use smearing techniques in painting or photo editing. But when we’re talking about excreting bodily fluid on women after having sex, throw this disgusting word out the door and just say “cum”. No need for artsy goo-goo gah-gah talk.
SUCKLE: (v) to feed (a baby or young animal) from the breast or teat.
“I wanna suckle your tits to get you warmed up.”
If you can’t see what’s wrong with using this word in the same sentence as a woman’s breast when a baby is not included in the scenario, you are probably the guy that used this word. No woman wants to think of men as things they need to feed even in the bedroom, and especially feed them when they’re supposed to be pleasuring you. Foreplay is no place for words that reek of babies and farm animals.
STUFF: (v) to fill (a receptacle or space) tightly with something.
“Better believe I’m gonna stuff it in you good tonight.”
I stuff my closet full of crap until the door barely closes, and keep stuffing it until it can’t hold anything else. I stuff my face with food until my stomach is so full to the brim I feel like exploding. I don’t, however, stuff my womanly parts until it’s filled to the walls. A penis should be placed delicately (unless you like it a little rough) but under no circumstances should women’s holes be stuffed.
So ladies, if you ever hear any of these words and can’t help but crinkle your brow and fall into a fever of perplexity, rest assured there are other victims, like me, who feel your confusion. And hey, we have our own verb to retaliate these nasty clumps of letters if need be:
STOP: (v) to come to an end; cease.
“If you don’t stop using words like smush and moist, I’m not going to stop having fake orgasms.”
Don’t let words like this continue to wreak havoc in the realms of “bedroom talk”. Talking dirty to your partner or spouse can be healthy and a good way to spice up intercourse. But please, put these words to rest so women may never have to wonder if we’re going to get suckled and shoved after dinner and a movie.
If you have any words to add to this list (even if they don’t start with ‘s’) place them in the comments below and share your thoughts!
